It’s snowing again today. Just when I figured we’d get no snow this winter, we get two days of snow. Another nightmare the other night. I was in hand cuffs ….a bunch of us were in a room. Aliens had us all in cuffs. I wanted to phone my husband to rescue me, but every time I phoned, there was no response. I kept phoning my home phone rather than his phone #. I was feeling really frustrated and scared. Last night was nightmare free.
We rescued our neighbourhood homeless cat. Poor little mite! She is soo skinny …..I’m calling her Amazing Grace because she’s survived so long on her own. Feeling good about this.
I had a series of dreadful dreams! The first one was about being threatened by two thugs as I was walking. They tried to take my purse to look for money, I presume. Next thing, I was at a friend’s house and being hidden in her basement, but they found me.
Next dream, I was at my childhood home. My brother drove too fast around the blind corner around our property, and he hit and killed a little girl. My brother was in shock, and my dad was making plans to lessen the deed. I was furious; my brother killed somebody, whether he meant to or not! Then I woke up.
While not exactly nightmares, I woke up in an extremely unsettled mood. I’ve been having some rather negative dreams and I wonder if my subconscious is working out some pain and resentment from my childhood. I don’t know, but I will be writing down my dreams as soon as I wake up!
I took a quick look at the tv and saw a German officer on the screen. He had the visage of total, utter defeat. Every part of his face was subdued and sad. Then I saw more of the video; it was the German officer who signed the paper surrendering his country to the victorious Allied Powers in the European theater. His sorrow washed all over him. It was the face of all of us who realize that there is nothing we can do. We must accept and grieve accordingly. I had times in my life when I fought defeat and made things worse for me.
The day before yesterday was horrendous! I could not lift myself to any better level of mood and was so depressed! We ended up having a fight and found out that we were both just as miserable. We have been unhappy since 1994, if I am to be honest. Neither of us managed to put our daughters’ abuse behind us, and we both feel guilty. How do people get over guilt? We can generally forgive others, but in our case, we can never forgive that fat f*%$er. He has never admitted his guilt, and continues to live in this small town, seemingly impervious to the waves of repugnance given out to him. He has unregistered guns in his house, and I always have this fear that one night, he will break into our house and shoot us. I am just glad that both of our girls got out of this town. But neither of us will feel safe until he is dead. The guilt I feel that I didn’t suspect anything was wrong tears me apart. Every day that I wake up and think “yes, today I will have a good day is destroyed by these thoughts” I am on anxiety pills, antidepressants, and sleeping pills, but they provide only a modicum of relief. Of course, people said to me, ” Well, why do you stay here?” I had a job with a lot of seniority, and hubby has some seniority in his logging job. I have spent a fortune buying various items to give me that little bit of “rush”, like a drug coursing through my veins. We are living pay cheque to pay cheque. We have a lot of repairs to make to our house and we don’t have the money. How do I turn things around? How do I let go of the grief and forgive myself? These feelings are slowly destroying me. I am slowly dying.
I am still so very tired. I earlier vacuumed the dining room and poured off the broth from my leftover turkey. Am now sitting here…once again a lump. I must put time into using my SADS lamp, as I get so moribund these days! It was a hard Christmas, as I wasn’t able to have my Canadian granddaughter up for Christmas. My husband spends most of his time sitting down in the basement in his mancave drinking and playing his game. Sometimes it is nice to have peace and quiet. But I am lonely!
First of all, I would pay off all of my debts and set up a nest egg for my two daughters and granddaughters. I would give a large donation for AIDS research, as one of my daughters is HIV+. I would bring my daughter in Brazil and her family to Canada. I would also buy a condo in Brazil for us to use in winter. I would volunteer my time for worthy causes.